Jesus Went Down to Texas

Updated: Sep 3, 2020

by Josh Gane

In the year 2021, a famous text had begun circulating among evangelicals, and by 2022 it was considered gospel in most all Pentecostal churches. It was called, “the Gospel of the Freedom Caucus,” and it was based on the revelations of several United States House of Representative republicans and had caused quite a stir in the Christian church.

According to the gospel, Jesus returned to Earth and was living discretely in El Paso, Texas. As the modern son of god, Jesus had decided to make some changes to his message that fit more aptly with a 21st century following.

One day, as Jesus was watching his hourly employees construct a new addition to his home, he observed a woman and a young child hiding in the tree line of a forest that bordered his plantation. He walked over to find out what they were doing there. When he arrived, an exhausted Guatemalan woman threw herself at his feet and said, “Please help me lord, for I have sinned. I have trespassed into this country in order to save my daughter from certain death. There is a civil war in my country, and everything has been laid to waste. Please lord, have mercy on me.”

Jesus’s gut reaction was to bless the woman and take her and her young child into his home to heal them. But he overcame his nature, remembering what happened to him the first time that he was on Earth. He had lived with mercy and compassion in his heart, and he was repaid with death.

“No Jesus,” he thought to himself, “You told yourself that you would do what you could for people unless it somehow negatively impacted how others in the community would think of you. And helping an illegal immigrant is kin to treason under the rule of the current federal government.” He thought a moment.

“I truly feel your pain,” Jesus said turning his head, “but there are laws in this country, and if I let you pass, then the next person to enter could be a rapist or a gang member.”

“But lord, do you not have mercy on all, regardless of their sins?”

“I, did, once…,” he said. He looked away because the woman’s eyes were so sad and full of pain.

“What happened lord?”

“I was crucified.”

“But lord, the woman said, your sacrifice brought hope and inspiration to millions.”

“That is true. But today things are different. I can be compassionate and patriotic.”

“Are you a patriot to deny me and my daughter life?”

“No. I am a patriot because the United States is the greatest country in the history of man. And though I feel your pain, my duty is to the millions of Americans that duly elected our leaders.”

Jesus took out his phone and called ICE.

When ICE arrived, they immediately arrested the woman, and took her daughter from her arms. Jesus cringed at her cries, but he kept his eyes on the ground and dug in. “This is for the good of the nation,” he thought.

Jesus said the pledge of allegiance and went to bed. Upon sleep, God came to him in a dream, and said, “Good work son. I know it was hard to be a man today, but a new day has come. Your allegiance is to me, and I have blessed America more than any other country. I want America to succeed where other countries fail. Therefore, you must put America before all, regardless if the laws seem unjust at times. There has to be law and order.”

In his dream, Jesus turned to God and said, “But father, I thought my mission was to save the enslaved and disenfranchised, to Shepard the weak. Compassion is why my followers love me.”

And God said, “That was then, son. Now your role is in law enforcement. You must make sure that everyone does as they are told, even if it is harmful to them in the short term. You must inspire others to police their communities and take pride in the law, even if those laws benefit the rich and hurt the poor. For this, my son, is the new Christianity. The strong will prevail. The weak will obey, or else.”

Jesus awoke and raised the flag upon the pole, and saluted.

“God Bless America,” he said.

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