Impeachment Turns Capitol into DC's Newest Comedy Club

If you are a fan of comedy or a person who laughs to keep from crying, consider watching a rerun of Donald Trump’s defense attorney making the closing argument in his latest impeachment trial. Michael van der Veen, an ambulance chaser from Philadelphia, was a last-minute choice for Trump, whose cold, splintery bench has been laid bare beyond the ass of Rudy Giuliani.

The absence of willing counsel to sell their souls for a dollar was an even more stunning development than the trial itself. The Guinness Book of World Records, on hand to record Trump’s impeachment record, instead focused most of their energy on van der Veen’s record for being the only lawyer in the universe willing to make a name for himself.

Van der Veen did not let the fact that he had absolutely no experience in constitutional law stand in his way. Having obviously disappointed Trump early in the week, and having received an emasculating tongue-lashing to the tune of “Walk like a man, Talk like a man,” van der Veen came high-stepping onto the floor of the Senate, Saturday, like a bull in a china shop, but minus the horns, now hanging on Trump’s trophy wall next to Mike Pence’s testicles.

So obvious was his lack of bite, behind all of the barking, that you could actually see the self-inflicted slap marks on van der Veen’s face from where he gave himself a pep-talk in the men’s restroom of the Capitol before the trial. Jim Jordan, who was taking a shit at the time, heard van der Veen crying and interjected from under the stall, “Show em your mean face Michael!” at which point van der Veen attempted to sneer at his own reflection, but broke character immediately, saying, “I can’t do this! I will never be the man that Donald wants me to be!”

Jim Jordan finished up, popped open the door of the stall and pointed his finger in van der Veen’s face saying, “Get your shit together!” But as van der Veen continued to struggle, Jordan felt bad and said, “Ah hell man. You should’ve let me know that you were a pussy, and I could’ve gotten you into my improv acting classes.” “Just be sure and win and the Proud Boys won’t hang ya,” he said with a half smile.

Jordan then straightened his tie, slapped Van der Veen’s ass, packed a chew in his lip and said, “See ya out there. I’ll be watchin’ from my office crackin’ a few brews. I’d-a preferred a tail-gate but for all this gawd damn security in the parking lot.” In response, Van der Veen attempted to show his “mean face” and sneered at Jordan. Jim gave him an ‘Atta boy,’ but with a perplexed and bewildered look.

Van der Veen then went out and did his very best at impersonating an attorney who knew what he was doing and was angry about it, but was clearly out of his depth. The highlight of the afternoon was when van der Veen, in response to the prosecution’s request to call witnesses, rebutted:

“There are a lot of depositions that need to be happening. Nancy Pelosi‘s deposition needs to be taken. Kama — uh, uh — Vice President — uh — Harris’s — uh — deposition absolutely needs to be taken. And, not by Zoom. None of these depositions should be done by Zoom. We didn’t do this hearing by Zoom! These depositions should be done in person in my office in Philadelphia. That’s where they should be done.”

Van der Veen’s pronunciation of the city was more akin to this: “Phil-EE-delphia,” and the chamber erupted with laughter. Instead of brushing it off, van der Veen became more erratic and shouted, “I haven’t laughed at any of you, and there’s nothing laughable here!” as the senators continued cackling at what was now obviously a circus.

Another laughable moment occurred when Lindsey Graham changed his vote — on whether to have witnesses in the trial — from “No” to “I’m special” at the last possible second, having presumably received a covert text from Trump, urging the Senator to stir the stew in the pot boiling over the campfire at Camp Whackadoo, the working title of the up-and- coming Capitol comedy club.

After the conclusion of the arguments and his vote to acquit Trump, the reigning hypocrite of the minority, Mitch McConnell, stood and gave a confusing speech about Trump’s culpability for the insurrection. As he spoke, he rubbed what appeared to be a pentagram pendant between his thumb and pointer finger, and concluded with a somber rhyme, “The GOP-Q, will have their cake, and eat it too.” He attempted to smile but his Droopy the Dog cheaks were’nt having it. It was obvious he should not have closed the night after van der Veen’s killer set.

After adjournment, Van der Veen skipped out the front door of the Capitol, where he ran into Jim Jordan. He said, “Mr. Jordan, I did it!” To which Jim Jordan responded, as though to a child, “Yeah you did bud…”

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